Yeah, I know. [ she sounds annoyed, and it's obvious that it's directed at herself ] The gas only made me feel crazy though, see things on the ship. I thought I got sent home with this crap, didn't even realize it wasn't real until people from here showed up. And I can't stop thinking about what I saw. Not just in my world either, it all felt too real.
[ she's silent for a minute. the truth is that it's easier for her to talk this way, since she didn't have to take a peek into her own head- have it laid out for the whole world to see. ]
[ now? she needs to make sure everyone she found in the fog got out ok. she needs to confront Tate about that house, why a manifestation of him killed her. she needs to ask Brendan if he's still in love with that girl back in San Clemente. ]
I dunno. I've been seriously considering a trip to medical, maybe freak out just enough for them to dose me with the same stuff they had us all sucking down during the smurf plague. That's just if I can't shake this. I'd say I wanna find out how this even happened, but considering the amount of other stuff that's gone unanswered? Not too set on that.
[ she nods, and while the video isn't on, somehow she's sure, it comes across in her voice. we're on a magic kidnapping spaceship. answers are never forthcoming. instead, Hayley slouches back in he seat, shoulders folding over her chest and staring down at the communicator. she doesn't do this comforting thing, and somehow it's the one thing she keeps having to do. ]
Maybe you're better off focusing on what you can control.
[ that pulls a frustrated sigh from her ] I feel like that's all I've been doing. Connecting with people I can't protect. It's driving me nuts. But I can't not have people, at this point. And I don't want to not have people. ... I don't even know what I'm saying.
I don't! Well, I didn't. Not before this place. [ she's rubbing at her eyes, trying not to get.. too freaked out that she's even talking about this, but she is. ] Back home I had my sister, right, and then I show up here and I figure hey, okay, if she's not here then the only person I need to look out for is myself. And then Neal just- gets it in my head that people can't work alone, even people like us, that we need someone and so I let myself get attached to [ you guys ] certain people on this stupid ship, let them in even if all they end up seeing is the hammy, crazy side of me. I let them in because I need somebody to watch out for, I need that reason to fight. Looking out for just me isn't enough.
I dunno. I dunno! [ she hasn't realllyyy thought about it, it's just something she realized when she was running from zombies with Percy and Simon and Kurt. how easy it was to just stop struggling when it was just her stuck in that house with the faceless gunman and nobody else. it's a weird sort of epiphany to have about yourself. she doesn't want to die, she doesn't not care about her own life, but- ] It's just easier to be brave for someone else than it is to be brave when it's just me. I fight harder when it's not just my life on the line. I guess.
Well, theoretically, if you're trying to get home to someone, aren't you fighting for them while you're here? If you die, then you definitely aren't getting home.
Used to work, yeah. Now it feels more like I'm trying to survive this place than escape it. It's not really about getting home. I mean, I want to be home, but the chances of that happening seem smaller and smaller every day. [ especially when it's not just the ship she's scared of at this point ] Maybe now for me it's less about wishing I was home and more about what I'm working with here, what it takes to survive it. That includes the people.
Yeah, I still haven't found the on/off switch for those. I used to think I could do it, but I'm pretty sure there's always some kinda emotional strings. [ and now she's feeling defensive, weirdly. she's nit weak. ] I killed some girl Brendan knew in his world. He kept throwing himself in front of her, taking hits, trying to protect her, so I killed her myself. I can shut it off long enough to put a bullet in some girl's head, but it was to try and save him. He was... kinda going nuts over keeping her alive. [ but now she's spilling Bren's stuff, so she stops ]
Really? How'd you know it wouldn't be permanent? I thought I died. I seriously thought I was done. [ hhhhh god she wants to ask her about Tate but she knows she just shouldn't even go there. probably. ] I realized it was a nightmare after a while, but it took some time. I mean my world was... it was exactly the same.
... Yeah. Yeah. Me too. But I ran, I mean I didn't know it was a friend until it was kinda too late to even- Yeah. [ S Q U I N T. sigh. pause. ] Was it Tate?
[ the shrug can be heard in her voice, but her tone doesn't fluctuate somewhere between careless and thoughtful. the juxtaposition might seem unnatural any other way- but something about it fits. ]
Maybe? [ a sigh. ]
I dunno. He had a friend, back in highschool. [ it sounds so real, but that's because she knows how to sell it. because hayley plans and plans even if she does nothing else. she doesn't like tate. but he's useful. and hayley has no intention of letting a perfectly good tool go to waste. ] They were close I guess, and he blames himself for not stopping the guy- from what he did. [ off camera, her head shakes, and just there, there's enough of a self-conscious tremble to make it through. ]
Oh. [ Wichita's too willing to buy it. the woman in the nightmare called her killer Tate, it- it was him. but not him, she was so sure. Tate isn't a killer. he can't be. he's not like Moriarty, not even like Keller. and maybe this ship really has made her gone soft, because she accepts that maybe Tate's nightmare is becoming the killer his friend was. it wasn't really Tate. just a copy, a nightmare. like Little Rock. sure. ]
His mom was kind of a bitch. [ deflect, deflect, deflect. she tries for a sarcastic lift to her tone, but it's not the same as it usually is. ] Did you get to meet her too?
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So what now?
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I dunno. I've been seriously considering a trip to medical, maybe freak out just enough for them to dose me with the same stuff they had us all sucking down during the smurf plague. That's just if I can't shake this. I'd say I wanna find out how this even happened, but considering the amount of other stuff that's gone unanswered? Not too set on that.
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Maybe you're better off focusing on what you can control.
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Maybe start by focusing on the people instead of the environment.
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You know this isn't going to have a happy ending, for anyone.
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Why isn't it enough?
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That's your problem.
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Yeah, I still haven't found the on/off switch for those. I used to think I could do it, but I'm pretty sure there's always some kinda emotional strings. [ and now she's feeling defensive, weirdly. she's nit weak. ] I killed some girl Brendan knew in his world. He kept throwing himself in front of her, taking hits, trying to protect her, so I killed her myself. I can shut it off long enough to put a bullet in some girl's head, but it was to try and save him. He was... kinda going nuts over keeping her alive. [ but now she's spilling Bren's stuff, so she stops ]
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Honestly I kinda figured those were all just giant hallucinations about everybody's worst fears blown way outta proportion.
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And someone was trying to kill me. Somebody I know?
Knowing how it'd end, I guess I just figured I wanted it to happen on my own terms.
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Yeah. Pretty messed up, huh?
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Was that his house?
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Maybe? [ a sigh. ]
I dunno. He had a friend, back in highschool. [ it sounds so real, but that's because she knows how to sell it. because hayley plans and plans even if she does nothing else. she doesn't like tate. but he's useful. and hayley has no intention of letting a perfectly good tool go to waste. ] They were close I guess, and he blames himself for not stopping the guy- from what he did. [ off camera, her head shakes, and just there, there's enough of a self-conscious tremble to make it through. ]
But that's his story I guess.
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His mom was kind of a bitch. [ deflect, deflect, deflect. she tries for a sarcastic lift to her tone, but it's not the same as it usually is. ] Did you get to meet her too?
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No kidding right? What a nutjob.